“For people on the autistic spectrum, love and relationships can add an extra layer of complication to an already confusing life”
Autism and relationships: The video
As a person with High functioning autism and married to an neuro typical, I’ve had a lot of experience in the ups and downs of being in a long term relationship. Even for neuro typicals, being in a relationship can be very challenging. Most of the time we hear about friends or celebrities with their relationship problems.
It seems that most people in society are trying to either get into a relationship, out of one, or trying to work out why their present relationship is so difficult!
So for the average person on the autistic spectrum, relationships can add an extra layer of complication in an already confusing life. It is still however, a natural instinct for males and females to want to find company in the opposite sex even if they are on the autistic spectrum.
I have personally seen how some autistic people struggle with the social challenges of speaking to the opposite sex, I witness on a regular basis how some young autistic men have difficulty using appropriate language and behaviour when talking to potential female partners, and how as a tutor I do my best to delicately teach them to keep a reasonable distance, not get to close, and what sort of language is acceptable in a given situation.
There are other social niceties that from my experience autistic males and probably females should learn. For example listening to the other person and not just talking at them. This is something I am still working on, as I tend to just say everything that’s on my mind at that time, whether the other person is interested or not!
We are often not very good at judging the other persons body language. We may not notice that the person we are talking to, is feeling uncomfortable and trying to make a quick getaway!
We often battle with self esteem and low self confidence when talking to someone of the opposite sex which may not be very appealing to the potential NT partner.
From a personal point of view, I frequently get myself into confrontational situations. Often this is because I misjudge my partners mood or intentions, and sometimes appear uninterested in their feelings. Autistic people generally do not go out of their way to hurt someone emotionally, we just get it wrong at times.
It is also common that problems with depression and anxiety create tensions within a relationship. The neuro typical partner can begin to take the role of carer. They often say they feel isolated and alone in the relationship.
But there are successful relationships between people on the autistic spectrum and neuro typicals. It can work well as long as the autistic persons unusual approach is taken in to account.
It’s also the case that if the relationship doesn’t work out, it may be because of a clash of personalties rather than any autistic symptoms.
After all, behind the autism people still have personality traits.
Steve
Autism and relationships: the video
Kathy says
I’m married 40 yrs to Asperger’s husband. I’m NT. I planned our retirement at beach but it’s 5 yrs now and he still won’t retire or move. I’m at the end of my rope. We are discussing divorce. It’s v sad. I’m just unable to cope my more. He has increasing temper screaming bouts and I’m scared. I hope God helps me find someone to talk to
Stephen W. Pollard says
Hi
I have the same issues that you illustrated, I’ve never had a relationship and probably never will tbh, I was diagnosed at the age of 44, before that my life was messed up, I was struggling to be a carer for my mother who had dementia, with no support whatsoever, prior to that I was always bullied and picked on at school and college. Some days I wish I wasn’t here can’t get any Autism support in my area at all, even my doctor isn’t interested. I saw a councillor etc but that’s over now so i’m basically back on my own. I have obsessions, esp music, always wanted to learn drums as strange as that may sound to some people. I have no friends and Life is very frustrating at the moment
Gary Fisher says
Personally I have always found recovering from relationships much harder Seeing people years later still hurts just as much as the day it ended. That sucks. Maybe that’s just me.
I never know how much is the ASD and how much me. Emotions hit me like a truck. That’s a metaphor, apparently.
Steve- adults with autism says
Hi Gary
Relationships can be very difficult to deal with. Especially if you are an autistic like me that gets very intense and obsessive about things!
regards
steve
Margo says
Hello! Interesting post. Can you tell me more about the reasons why the neuro typical partner can begin to take the role of carer and why they often say they feel isolated and alone in the relationship? Thanks.
Steve- adults with autism says
Hi Margo
From personal experience, my wife often says that she feels like a carer. Often the asd partner has trouble coping with life, and ends up relying on the NT partner to take care of everyday things.
I have heard many NT partners say that they feel isolated and alone. I can honestly say that it is also the case with my partner. She often says this unfortunately.
Are you in this situation?
Regards Steve
Margo says
Thank you. I have just met a person who is mildly autistic and so I became interested in this topic, to find out what to expect. It is interesting that you say asd partner is relying on the NT partner, but at the same time you like the idea of being single. Do you think it would be better if both partners were asd, so they were on more equal ground in the relationship?
Steve- adults with autism says
Hi Margo
I think that even if both partners were on the autistic spectrum it may still not be equal. This is because every on on the spectrum is different to some extent.
Sometimes it’s the other things that often come with autism that make it hard for the NT partner, such as depression and anxiety. These are the things that have caused the problems in my case with my partner.
I guess relationships can be difficult even when neither partner has autism.
Regards Steve
Nils says
Tell me about it…
Well summarized though. Couldn’t add much more.
Except perhaps I’m not so sure about the classic relationship pattern in any case. Live together, plan for the future, that sort of thing. It should all be easier really.
Then again, my last something-of-a-relationship was exactly that: undefined, confusing. That didn’t work out well either.
Headaches!
admin says
Hi Nils
As someone that has been in a very long relationship (20 years), sometimes the idea of being a single guy sounds attractive.
I guess the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, as they say!!