My Story
Hi, I’m Steve Slavin. I am an adult on the autistic spectrum. I work professionally as a filmmaker and specialist tutor at the National Autistic Society in London. For twenty-five years, I achieved some success in the music business as a record producer, songwriter, and musician. I then spent five years creating video and music content in the advertising industry for TV and radio commercials.
Since childhood, I’d felt as though something was ‘wrong’ with me. But then, in 2008, when I received an autism diagnosis, life began to make sense. I then spent years examining my past, re-evaluating my present, and re-imagining what my future might look like. As a result, knowing that I have autism seems less important than it once did. I consider it just another factor on my journey of self-discovery. I echo the words of the great Temple Grandin, “Autism is a developmental disorder, and I’m still developing.”
In 2018 I wrote my first book Looking for Normal. It’s a memoir that describes my somewhat dysfunctional childhood, my time at boarding school, and my career in music, and the advertising industry. My story might be unique, but then so are the lives of the many autistic adults who have read my book. In common with many adults on the spectrum, they have struggled socially and emotionally, even though they have had successful careers and marriages. But appearances can be deceiving. We do not hear, often enough, the voice of adults who have achieved such things in life despite the challenges, both positive and negative, of their atypical neurology.
Steve
If someone had told me that one day I would write a book about autism and mental illness, I would have looked over my shoulder to see if they were talking to the person standing behind me. Yet, here I am, having written almost three hundred pages of gut-wrenching self-analysis; exploring in depth those very things: autism and mental illness.
Looking for Normal was not, however, the first title that came to mind. I almost went with Autism—And All The Other Complicated Stuff I Was Too Embarrassed to Talk About, But Did Anyway. I rejected this idea, not because it would have been an inaccurate description of the book’s content, but because it would have been far too long to fit neatly on the cover.
Can I Start Again Please? Was another title contender: if only I could restart the clock at 1959 and have another go—but this time as a knowingly autistic person.
Eventually, after weeks of insomnia-inducing procrastination, I decided that Looking for Normal best describes my valiant, if often farcical attempts at life: a life darkened by the long shadow of my assumed childhood abnormality. Ah, yes—my childhood. I mean… what the hell happened back then? Why had the doctors described me in ways that would have today’s politically correct brigade foaming at the mouth? The doctors said I was abnormal, maladjusted and emotionally disturbed. Surely it was not ‘normal’ to spend the majority of one’s childhood being psychologically prodded and poked, medicated and hospitalised.
Someone who knew me as a child recently remarked that after such a wholly dysfunctional start in life, it’s a miracle I’m still alive, let alone been able to raise a couple of kids, stay married for thirty years and achieve a modicum of success in the music business. I’m not sure whether I should feel flattered or saddened by their comments: because being a person for whom the glass is generally half-empty, I can only reflect on the things I haven’t achieved in life; how things could have—should have been.
Aside from the tricky task of choosing a title that sums up the entirety of one’s life in a snappy three-word strapline, there are a number of other things to consider when writing a memoir, or autobiography as some may choose to call this book. For example, how deeply can a writer navel-gaze before their poetic ramblings become little more than unattractive narcissism? And just when, exactly, does healthy introspection sour into tedious self-indulgence? These are judgements I shall leave for others to make. Because, having spent five years crafting sentences from emotions pulled kicking and screaming into the light, my sense of literary balance is well and truly dulled.
Writing a book such as this is difficult, and I have battled endlessly over the amount of personal detail that needs to be shared. I would describe this process as being similar to instigating an extraordinarily embarrassing conversation about things you’d rather not discuss, with strangers who may not be in the slightest bit interested in anything you have to say.
I’ve heard it said that you never finish writing a book. You just decide, at some point, that it’s time to put the pen down. I have reached that place, and I am as happy as I’ll ever be that I have told my truth in the best way I can. It’s time now to submit my tale of life, love, autism, and all the other complicated stuff I really didn’t want to talk about—but have, anyway.
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Any recommendations for a clinical psychologist? My (adult) son has autism and it’s also become obvious that OCD is also a factor.
Many thanks for any help
Ab
Hi Abby
Welcome to adultswithautism. I guess you’d have to go through the NHS route, ie through your GP. I don’t know of any private clinics where your son could get treatment. Sorry.
Regards
Steve
Hi guys, i have always had this irrational empathy for inanimate objects. I can’t remember a time when i didn’t feel sorry for toys on their own or washing on a line if they are the only item i will go and bring in that single piece of washing.
Am i going mad ?
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Thank you.
Judy (An Autism Observer)
Hi Steve,
Thank you so much for sharing your life with us. I appreciate all you are doing.
I loved the movie “The Accountant” with Ben Affleck about autism and have since discovered that he is also autistic. Although the movie received a lot of (unfair) criticism, I thoroughly enjoyed it.
I am 73 and just discovered Asperger’s/ASD and why I could not fit in socially all these years. Discovering also that my 76 year old husband whom I have shared my life with for 36 years, also exhibits Asperger’s Syndrome. Maybe that is what has kept us together so long is that we both detest social events and put no pressure on ourselves to attend them except if absolutely necessary and for only a short while.
And, even deeper than that, try to understand why we love sports
– warts and all.
Hi Steve,
First of all I want to thank you for your youtube videos which I, and many others, have benefitted greatly from. Like you I have been diagnosed with HFA/Asperger’s late in life. I was diagnosed only a few months ago at the age of fifty. Since then I have experienced the emotional rollercoaster that I have heard others describe: initially it was relief at having an explanation for why i felt so different to other people; then came the anger at the length of time getting to a diagnosis took; then a sense of grief took over, for the life I could have had if i had been diagnosed earlier, and lately; frustration as I try to find a place in the world and come to terms with things i have avoided dealing with for my entire life.
As you have mentioned in your videos, after the long and exhausting diagnostic journey you are left alone to struggle with the huge task of assimilating a new identity and finding a more skilfull way of being in the world. My situation is complicated by the fact that both my children have autism and are experiencing severe depression at the minute and I am also the full time carer for my disabled wife, who is neurotypical. Consequently, I am unable to work and have little free time. I used to volunteer with the CAB but I had to stop because of the stress caused by my caring commitments. Despite this, and because of my own experience of the lack of suitable support for adults on the spectrum, I want desperately to make a difference for our population.
I have considered various ways of doing this, such as starting a support group, writing a blog or a book etc, but my caring commitments leave me little time to myself, plus i am extremely slow at writing and taking in information, mainly due to obsession I have to admit. When I saw your videos, and videos others on the spectrum have posted I thought that, finally, here is a way i could contribute; at my own pace and in my own home. Then I hit the biggest barrier, the one i have avoided dealing with since i received my diagnosis, coming out. In order to contribute publicly, obviously I would have to reveal myself as someone with Asperger’s and so far, I have only disclosed to my wife and children.
So, I would like to ask you if i may, how did you cope with the disclosure process and when did you feel confident enough to place yourself in the public eye fully as an individual on the Autistic Spectrum? Also, what advice would you give someone on starting a youtube channel and the videoing process as i have no experience of either of these things?
Thanks.
Terry
All my life (nearly 60 years) I have struggled with some unnamed demon. Depression/anxiety was never far away, most relationships a complete disaster, alcohol abuse was the norm, the list goes on and on. Most of this time I did manage to hold down a reasonably successful career in IT. During this time I have tried no end of conventional (and not so conventional) methods of self help, both medical and non medical, none of them really having any real answers to my problems. I had pretty much resigned myself to a life of eccentric loneliness and come to the conclusion that I was just vaguely mad.
A few months ago, my one good friend related to me a conversation he had with a colleague concerning my IT skills. Long story short, this colleague asked “how autistic is this bloke?” My friend, who is an intelligent man told me this story in humour as he didn’t think it to be true.
I knew little about autism other than the really severe stuff as presented by Dustin Hoffman in the film Rainman, and I knew I wasn’t in that bracket. To honest and frank, I believed things such as ASD, were just made up complaints to label kids with bad parents or poor education system, not really having any validity in the “real world”. However, I thought it would do no harm just to read a bit as my interest was piqued.
From the very start I could have been reading a manual that defined the very essence of my life. It was that moment of discovery. that Eureka!, something that I could identify in myself that so closely matched what I was reading. Although I don’t like labels, it felt so good to have this description, a name for what appeared to be the source of my ills.
I took an online ASD test and scored highly, so the next question was, “what do I do next?” I recognised that there is no “cure”, but that help might be available. I have little faith or trust in the medical profession, and I live in an isolated part of the UK, I didn’t expect much. At that time I did have substantial income, and via a number of websites, managed to find a private councillor who specialises in Asperger’s Syndrome who lives very close to me. I know from bitter experience that there are plenty of people who advertise as “councillors” who are no more than charlatans, but this lady had letters after her name, and was on a recommended list from the National Autism Society. So, I thought, what the hell! Lets try.
I could not have found a better person to help anywhere. She has listened to me, advised, helped and assisted in more ways than I can count. Although she is not qualified to diagnose, she is convinced, as am I, that I have Asperger’s Syndrome. The 6-7 months I have been using her service has been nothing less than a revelation. Much has changed in that time which I won’t go into now, but I feel that I am becoming a better person.
I have accepted my condition, and although I have much more to learn I’m sure, I do feel that my life has taken a turn for the better, I’m starting to understand ‘me’.
Thank you for taking the time to write your site. I will be following in future.
Phil
Hi Phil
Thank you so much for telling your story. I totally relate to your description of an “unknown demon”. This always seems present even when the mental health side of things was ok.
I think your story can help a lot of other people. I would love to use it as my next blog post. Would this be ok with you?
Regards
Steve adultswithautism.org.uk
I am truly glad to read this blog polsts which consists of
ots of aluable data, thanks for providing these kinds of data.
Hi Salud
Thanks for your message. I hope you find some interesting articles on my website.
Best wishes
Steve http://www.adultswithautism.org.uk
l want to thank you for your nice videos , you are inspiring person….
first: l feel bad about being different without explanation not because of (defference) but l have many health issues….then l discover the truth and lam very happy now……
l appreciate the valuable information in this blog……
thank you….
Hi Yasmin
Thank you for your message. It’s great to hear from you. I am really glad that you feel happier now that you understand some of your problems. It was the same for me.
I look forward to talking with you again
Best wishes
Steve