As an autistic person…
I have always assumed that there was a sort of secret that everybody in the world new. Everybody except me.
“I was alone on a planet filled with people playing by rules, that I did not understand”
I had always thought that everyone understood the social rules. There was hidden knowledge of how life works, that everyone shared, apart from me.
Before my autism diagnosis, I had no idea why this was. My long entrenched low self esteem, informed me that I was the only person on earth, that did not possess this secret knowledge.
I was left with only negative conclusions. I must be stupid, childish, different, abnormal. A truly unworthy person that lived on the outside of everything.
I was separate, isolated, On the rare occasion I found myself at the centre of things, my lack of confidence usually sabotaged my efforts to excel.
I always felt that I was not “grown up,” and everyone else was. Everybody I met knew what to say, and when to say it. They all seemed to understand what each other was talking about. They all got the jokes, and laughed at the punchlines, having remembered the start of the joke.
Observing their confident, knowing smiles, it was obvious they were all in on something. But what was it? What did they know that I did not, what was their big secret?
People spoke English, and I recognised the sound of their words, but all to often their words had little meaning. Being unable to judge another persons intent turned me into someone that was prone to be both highly defensive, and gullible.
Being “grown up” just seemed to come naturally to all of the adults I’d ever met. They spoke like grown ups, made arrangements to meet up for a drink like grown ups, and enjoyed being sociable like grown ups.
Why were they like this, and why did they enjoy doing these things? I would much rather be alone.
Everyone, without exception, appeared to be a different species from me, and I had no idea what made anyone tick. People seemed strange, and I’d get strange feelings when observing them.
I was alone on a planet filled with people playing by rules that I did not understand.
I’d do my best to act “grown up” in social situations, and pretended to know what the big secret was. For short periods of time I could pull off a confident knowing smile, whilst making intelligent comments relating to what the other person was saying.
It was uncomfortable, and I could only keep the façade up for a few minutes, before my “grown up” mask gradually slipped away, and my fragile self confidence fell apart. At this point during a conversation, I’d make my getaway, before the other person discovered I was not “normal,” and definitely not worth spending any time talking to.
Since my diagnosis, I’ve made some notable discoveries. I have found a species of human that I relate to and feel completely comfortable with. Who are they? They are other autistic people. When I’m in their company, I generally understand the rules and I don’t have to pretend to be “normal.”
Most importantly, when I’m around other autistic people, I can be myself. I do not have to worry.
There is no “big secret.”
Lewis says
This makes me laugh the thing about us with autism we are the ones that know the most important thing in life ,life it’s self, while the rest of you are under hipnosiss it’s a shame that the government are saying we live in are own bubble not alot has been said about the condition it’s a bit mad since it can’t be that hard to find that reasonable explanation the best word to explain it is we live in a bubble makes me laugh we can only judge on what we see and know and add up the best and most rational explanation to everything .sometimes the most outrageous it’s the only rational
Keight says
YES! To all you wrote,Steve. I always imagined I’d get whatever the secret was and miraculously turn out to be as poised, graceful and intelligent as Amal Clooney. Alas, I did find out what the secret was – me having autism, and I am as far from being like Amal as I could possibly be. The silver lining is I no longer feel the need to fit in. As Popeye said, I am what I am.
Lewis says
Lol fit in they should fit in with you because with out people with autism this world wouldn’t be as far as it is now with intelligence
Dudesky says
Hello Steve,
Your blog put me in tears. Having foreign parents, visiting doctors is a foreign concept (pun intended). I feel as though I “fake it through life”. I fake being social, I try to mimic the behavior of “normal” people in order to make conversation. I feel as though I have to dodge “mines” in order to hold any conversation, with anyone. I still refuse to answer the question “how are you?”, and when asked specifics (i.e., how’s [something they know]), I provide too much detail.
I was bullied as a kid, and subsequently as an adult in the workplace. I suffered through depression for a long time, and although I developed some “coping” mechanisms at this point in life, I’m still the depressed kid I always was.
Like you, I have a career, I have a few relationships in life, although I feel like I have to “work” just to keep relationships alive.
After reading your blog, I will seek diagnosis. Although at this point, I’m not really sure how diagnosis will help, other than giving me an explanation as to why everything happened the way it did.
Lewis says
What is wrong with you lot take your mind out the box forget fitting in soone or later they will come to you don’t let the doctors focus your mind on fitting in but take in everything you see and use it to your advantage in life it’s that simple . Keep your mind out of the box
Lewis says
Your problem is you see or feel somethings not right take your mind out the box n you will see it
Catherine says
Hi Steve,
This entire article is entirely what I have been saying myself for the last twenty years.
I could so much relate to this, every word of it.
Keep up the brilliant work.
Regards,
Catherine
Steve- adults with autism says
Hi Catherine
Many thanks for your message.
Have you had an autism diagnosis? (if you don’t mind me asking). I’ve found that getting a diagnosis was very helpful, and definitely the best thing I ever did.
Best wishes
Steve http://www.adultswithautism.org.uk
Song says
I have never in my life read a more accurate description of how I perceive the world around me. That is truly amazing !!
I remembered the start of the joke, but didn’t get it anyways. I have learned to though, and have developed my own quirky sense of humor. Often it is a defense against my own shortcomings, and other times it is simply a matter of “if I don’t laugh, I’ll cry”.
I read somewhere there is something about the AS, those who want to connect with others, and can’t. And those who simply don’t want to, and don’t even try. I would be in the former group. Always wanting to connect, and never quite figuring out how to.
Steve says
Hi Song
Good to hear from you. It feels good in a way, to find other’s that share similar experiences. Perhaps it can make us feel as though we are not alone.
It can be difficult to explain how we feel. But I’m glad that you could relate.
Hope it helped in some way.
Best wishes
Steve
Lindsay Stock says
Steve,
I want to thank you so much for sharing your experiences, thoughts and feelings with the world! You are doing such a great service to parents like myself who have children on the Autism Spectrum. My son, Isaac will be 9yrs old in Oct. He was diagnosed as severely autistic but high functioning as well as ADHD in Jan 2013. He is extremely artistic and funny. He has tried at times to explain his frustration and what would help him, but hasn’t been able to verbalize at his age what exactly it feels like to be him. Listening to you opened my eyes and my son jumped up and yelled, ” That’s like me mom!” My son had a voice!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! Keep up the good work, stay strong and God bless!
Sending Love and Light~
Lindsay Stock
Steve says
Hi Lindsay
Thank you for your message. It’s great to hear that other people can relate to the things I talk about.
It is really positive that your son has had a diagnosis at an early age. Hopefully he is getting the appropriate assistance from a psychologist and other support, that will help him develop towards living a happy and independent life.
It makes my blogging and video efforts seem worthwhile, when I get positive and inspirational messages from people, So thanks for that.
I wish you and your son all the best for the future.
Regards
Steve
Nils says
Nice writing.
Never perceived it as a big ‘Mystery’ that much myself. I was more… bubble-wrapped.
But I knew something was going on. Something on a level I didn’t grasp and was no part of.
The not-grown-up feeling has stuck with me for a long time. I played the part at times.
Still not sure how it all falls into place now, but yeah, I’ve realized there’s nothing ‘special’ there I need to fit into.
(Now all I got to do is integrate all this, find my place, be happy, blossom.)
admin says
Hi Nils
Thanks, glad you liked the article. I think you are describing something similar.
I totally relate to your comment “But I knew something was going on. Something on a level I didn’t grasp and was no part of”.
Perhaps with age and experience we become more confident among other people?
Steve