Whilst researching autism-friendly dating websites recently for the new lifestyle section of AdultsWithAutism, I came to the conclusion that I would not recommend any of these websites.
The first few results in Google search revealed autistic dating sites that appeared-at best-unregulated and unmanaged by anyone with knowledge of autism. The worst examples, were sites that did not seem to care about the safety of potentially vulnerable autistic people.
As an experiment, I signed up for one these websites. Having registered, I was immediately shown a page full of people with autism and their profiles. Before I could go any further, I was taken to a page where I was asked for my credit card details. It was something like £20 per month to contact a certain amount of possible dates. And that is what this particular dating site was all about: Making money. I'm not anti-business, but this is unethical and could put a vulnerable person in a dangerous or compromising position.
It's difficult enough for even for neuro-typicals to stay safe online. Many of us on the autistic spectrum are even more prone to manipulation. It may be much harder for us to know when we are being lured into an unsafe situation. Surely, at the very least, an autism-friendly dating website needs to check who's signing up to their service. Ideally, an autistic dating site would:
- Carry out checks on people signing up. These checks should be done in person by someone who understand the challenges we face with relationships, and social situations in general.
- The initial dates would be chaperoned by someone from the agency.
- Autistic dating websites should be regulated by a dedicated body to maintain safe practice.
- There should be regular discussions between the dating agency and the user to ensure nothing inappropriate is going on.
- The user's safety should be considered as priority at all times.
Running this type of an autism-friendly dating service would be costly. It would be difficult for the agency to maintain such high standards of safeguarding, whilst making a profit. I honestly cannot see a good business case for setting up an ethical autistic dating website. As a result, some of these companies are attempting to put profit over the safety of their users. I also think there are much better ways autistic people can find a suitable partner for a relationship.
Neuro-typicals generally find a partner through a social setting of some kind, or at work. Why should we be any different?
As autistics, we are likely to isolate ourselves This makes it extra difficult to meet new people and form relationships. Another factor is that a very high percentage of autistic people are not employed. So this way of meeting that special someone, at work will not possible.
As I mentioned in a recent YouTube video on Autistic Dating Websites, people on the spectrum tend to isolate themselves. and feel overwhelmed by their struggle with social anxiety, lack of confidence and low self-esteem.
The answer in my opinion; is not to hide behind your computer or mobile-phone, searching through Google for a meaningful relationship!
Instead consider these ideas:
- Go to places where you can meet others that have the same interests or hobbies as you. This doesn't necessarily have to be an autism based organisation.
- Find an autism social group in your area that meets on a regular basis.Try contacting an autism charity as they often run these types of groups.
- Depending on your social skills and confidence (and allowing for sensory difficulties) gatherings like parties or work related social events, are also opportunities to meet new people and form relationship.
I know that for many people with autism, these suggestions on how to meet new people will seem scary, or beyond your present level of confidence. But there are so many positive benefits of saying goodbye to your isolation, and taking part in all that life has to offer.
On the other hand, if anyone does know of a high quality, ethical dating agency for people on the autistic spectrum, please let me know and I will check them out.
But in the meantime, Be brave and Fight the fear. There are lots of nice people out there!
Thanks for reading-Steve
Jacqueline says
I’m a 73 year old widow of a man who was undiagnosed Aspergers. His fascination with number patterns on number plates and insistence on only using lockers with the number 9 warned me but as our relationship developed those things didn’t matter and I worked around the difficulties. Life was not always easy – I have my own issues – BUT all that was insignificant compared to his efforts to show he cared, his loyalty and kindness.
I’m telling you all this because I met him on a mainstream dating website when I was 60 and he was 65. He had a brilliant mind and was very articulate. We exchanged emails for several weeks before meeting I found his honesty refreshing and we had similar interests.
Just don’t rely on finding an autistic site – pay for a high quality site for a few months. It worked for me and him. Sadly he died 15 months ago and I am devastated. If you are a parent of a young person ask if you can help at the early stages to sift out the predators?
Jack Hodgson says
Hi
I’ve been reading all of your stories. My name is jack and I was diagnosed with autism at the age of 13. I’ve been single for 3 years now. And I agree with one thing yes it does cost a lot to run a dating site. but I m certainly interested in finding my dream lady in the future. It would be nice to find a dating site safe and secure and free of charge. I do live with parents but sometimes without family or friends I feel so lonely. I’m ok with my current crop of friends who I see on a regular basis but it just be nice this to make some new friends along the way even my future partner. I’ve already set myself up with a support group to attend soon.
Leone Grenfell says
Hi jack,
I live alone and since moving away from my close friends and into a new area I have struggled to connect with people even on a friend level. Iv tried normal dating sites but guys don’t understand my physical boundary issues and need to build up a level of comfort around them first before getting cuddly. I want to use the atypical sites but I can’t afford it really, also not sure which ones to use. Any advice would be greatly appreciated 🙂
IAmButAGhost says
For the pair of you and anyone else.
Do not go seeking for a mate.
Build your life how you like and want it. Develop yourself and career and you will meet people in your life that are into the same stuff as you and probably already know you’re on the spectrum.
Dave Woolner says
I recently joined Autistic Dating, initially just to scope it out as it was free,.. Within a couple of days I had 4 visitors and 2 likes but in order to view them, i would have to pay,.. It’s £6.99 for 1 month and £14.99 for three so like a fool I went for the 3 month option. When I looked at my visitor interaction, 2 appeared to be men in their 50s and and the 2 ladies had had their profiles removed by the moderator. The two likes ALSO had had their profiles removed. For just under a week, the same pattern with different users visits,likes and moderator removal continued until I unsubscribed tonight. FELT like a SCAM.
Steve- adults with autism says
Hi Dave
Sorry to hear about that. it kind of highlights what I mean about some dating sites not paying due care and attention to their users. Especially people on the spectrum who may be more vulnerable.
best wishes
Steve
Anton says
Hi, after reading this remarkable post i am as well cheerful to share my experience here with friends.
Steve- adults with autism says
Thanks Anton.
I’m glad you enjoyed the article.
Best wishes
Steve
Dominic Batchelor says
Hi Steve,
I,m a fellow Aspie and have found that many so called autistic apps are a con and one turned out to be an closet Russian escort service.
I have found more success with joining local meetups than online apps.
Steve- adults with autism says
Hi Dominic
Yes this is what I suspected. And unfortunately, many people are on the spectrum are quite vulnerable and will be conned by these websites. I’m sure there are some legit ones as well, but it takes a lot of effort to find them.
I would definitely recommend meeting people through social groups and that sort of thing. At least you’ll get a chance to know someone before the possibility of a date arises.
Best Wishes Steve
Steve- adults with autism says
Hi Dominic,
I totally agree with you!
Meeting people in the traditional way is so much better, in my opnion.
Regards
Steve
Darren lee says
Hello Steve,
I like your idea for a site.
I am 35 with autism and was diagnosed at 30, I have a failed marriage because she wanted a “normal man” and that was thrown at me often.
After already having a natural distrust of females these type of things make it worse.
I to tried a couple of these sites and found it quite angering to see them charging for chance to meet someone and at the cost weighed up against the possible extra time taken to find someone, it’s criminal.
I have my own photography company (just started) called Spectrum Photography, I work from home and I really want to find a partner in life and business but as I don’t feel comfortable in social situations and I avoid alcohol.
I feel lost and have zero hope of finding what I need and want, the rules on your site idea are brilliant and I wish someone somewhere could set this up.
Thank you for your research in to the sites though, I now know not to bother with the others.
jane says
janeceaser@gmail.com
StillAGhost says
I just wanna say
Spectrum Photography is a sweet fucking name!
Leanne Brownsword says
My son is 26 and autistic. He would love to meet someone but there doesn’t seem to be any genuine sites out there, that don’t want a fortune. He lacks confidence when out socially and really struggles. PLEASE someone, get a genuine site up and running!!!!
Steve- adults with autism says
Hi Leanne
I agree. I wish there were dating agencies for autistic people that offered proper safeguarding. Unfortunately, this would probably involve high costs, to employ trained workers.
It may be a good idea to speak with organizations like the National Autistic Society (in the UK). They may know of local social groups where your son could meet a potential partner.
It may be a struggle for him at first, but with encouragement, he will gain confidence, socially.
Regards
Steve
Karen says
Steve,
I really enjoyed reading your comments on this subject and it has been really helpful to inform my research also into Autism Friendly dating websites. I am a specialist mentor for young people (college age) that are on the spectrum and together with a college I am currently thinking about setting up a local matching site for autistic people that want to find either love, friendship or a mentor. I wish do do all the things you list as important as I am so aware of the difficulties with regard to keeping safe, protected and that the intention of the site is in fact to help rather than to make money. It is with this in mind that my work colleague and I are going to combine our training and skills and get something out there that can be trusted. Wish us luck, our first business meeting is tonight!
Kind regards,
Karen (specialist mentor and learning coach)
Anna Joy Cunningham says
I think this sounds like a wonderful idea, Karen. How are things looking?
I wish I had had a specialist mentor when I was in my teens. I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome at the age of nineteen, and I think so many emotional problems then and now could have been prevented by having a knowledgeable and respectful person help me to understand my experiences and make effective choices for myself. It would have made life easier for my whole family. Do you mind me asking how you trained? Are you employed by a college or the local authority, or self-employed? I might be interested in such a role myself. I have prior experience in teaching/mentoring as I worked for four years as a special support assistant for students who were not native English speakers. This might be a great way to draw on my existing skills and my personal experience…
All the best,
Anna
Sandy says
Hi Karen
I have been searching for a safe site for my son to find a lovely lady. He has so much to offer but is unable to socialise in big groups.
You mentioned setting up a site that would be monitored and safe
Please can you keep me in the loop.
I would sign my son up if it was safe for him as he is so lonely
Regards
Sandy
Steve- adults with autism says
Hi Sandy
Thanks for your message.
I think the answer to meeting people for love and companionship is similar to that of neurotypicals-rather than dating sites. For example: does your son have interests or hobbies he can do where he can meet other like-minded people? This is how I met my wife actually, many years ago.
Or, there are various aspergers/autism social groups around the country where your son could meet a potential partner. The NAS (UK) may know of social groups in your area.
Regards
Steve
Avril says
Hi
I’ve been reading all the comments and it seems there is a real need for a genuine site. I too have a sin who is desperate for a girlfriend and more friends in general. He is 22 and is so lovely, it breaks my heart that all these wonderful young people with so much to give are so lonely. Please keep me posted if anyone does set up a site. I wouldn’t mind paying if I knew my son would be safe. Maybe alot of parents in the same boat may have the skills to set this up together in the future. If I knew how to do it I would
Brad Thompson says
Hi Steve,
Nice article! I read it as I was doing some research into creating a dating website or app for those on the Autistic Spectrum and I totally agree with what you said. Fortunately, I am
married but want to do more to help others socially and with dating. Unfortunately for me, I’ve been waiting to see a consultant for 13 months regarding a diagnosis for ASD…. maybe next year… I would certainly like to talk to you some more, especially as you are a film maker and I’d like to know how you are able to get by in day to day life. Sorry, I know that’s a lot there. Hope to hear from you .
Anonymous says
Hi Brad
Sorry for the really delayed response to your message. Please feel free to contact me directly at: steve@adultswithautism.org.uk.
Kind regards
Steve
Anonymous says
Interesting read Steve, gave me some new insights