Clinical Depression, and How Meditation Saved My Life

adultswithautism.org.uk

In February 2019, my world crashed into a life-shattering wall of all-consuming clinical depression. Following 6 months of increasingly poor mental health, I could go no further in any direction. I feared that I had plunged so deep into the well of despair and hopelessness that perhaps life was simply to painful to carry on.

Sitting in the assessment room at the mental health crisis unit, I vaguely remember the psychiatric nurse saying , 'Steve, I think you need to be admitted into hospital, wait here whilst I do the paper work. The nurse returned some time later and told me that there were no available beds in the mental health unit, and that instead, I would be sent to a residential crisis unit where I would remain for 2 weeks. The following morning I arrived at the unit. It was a big house in a busy North London street, staffed by psychiatric nurses, visiting psychiatrists, and mental health workers.. Of all the low points in my life, the 2 weeks I spent in that unit will forever rank among the worst. I was prescribed Lithium, Diazepam, and Mirtazapine, and had just enough mental clarity to engage in daily one to one discussion sessions with my key worker. It was a grim existence, and I would certainly not wish to ever go back there again. 

The one thing I had a lot of in the crisis unit was time to think. And I began to wonder how my mental health would be if my life circumstance were different– if I had achieved my goals in life and could afford to live somewhere quiet and stress free in the countryside, or by the ocean? Would I be as depressed? Almost certainly no. And then it really hit me, my current bout of major depression was caused by frustration. The frustration of living in that yawning gap between what I knew I could achieve in life, and what I actually had  achieved. I've always been an ambitious person, but never really had the emotional strength to fulfill my true potential. I concluded that, somehow, I had to find a way to change the negative way I viewed life. To avoid the mighty emotional wrecking ball that seemed to crash through everything I dared to dream. I was 59 years of age, time was running out, and my hopes of financial abundance and success were more distant than ever. 

Depression autism

But what was the answer? Over the years I'd tried everything from various meditation techniques, yoga, neuro linguistic programming (NLP) spiritual healing, clinical hypnotherapy, exercise, Buddhist chanting, mindfulness, and positive thinking. Each practice had it's benefits, and would reduce my depression for a day or two, but then I would quickly sink back into the same old familiar dark mindset as before. In addition to some of these alternative therapies, it was abundantly clear that all the medication and talking therapy in the world was not going to fix me. In fact, this was not my first experience of Lithium and Diazepam. These are drugs I had taken 50 years earlier as a child. They didn't heal me then, and there was no reason to suppose they would do now. During the course of my life, I had been prescribed practically every anti depressant and anti psychotic medication on the market, and yet here I was in my late 50's in a mental health unit, and at quite possibly, the lowest point in my life...

'From The Deepest Earth Grows The Tallest Orchid.'

Meditation autism depression

I'd first heard about Transcendental Meditation in the late 1970's. It was that thing the Beatles learnt to do when they traveled to India in the 1960's. Along with a number of other celebs, they helped popularize the movement founded by Maharishi Mahesh Yogi – an Indian physicist adept in the ancient Vedic style of meditation.

From my bed in the mental health unit, I began to watch video after video about Transcendental Meditation, and why it was different from other meditation techniques – the science behind it, and how people were using it to recover from PTSD and  depression. And how people like me with autism, and others with ADHD benefited from the positive effects of regularly practicing Transcendental Meditation.  In addition, I must admit to being partially swayed by the dozens of wildly successful people who swore by this particular meditation technique. People like Oprah Winfrey, Paul McCartney, Russell Brand, Ray Dalio and Ringo Starr, Hugh Jackman, Jim Carey, Moby, Jerry Seinfeld and Cameron Diaz, to name just a few. If it worked for them, I concluded, it may just work for me. And even though it was going to cost a few hundred pounds to learn the technique, I was determined to give it a try. For the first time in years I felt hopeful and excited. I called my wife, and – like an over excited child attempting to convince a parent to buy them a new toy – told her all about it. To her credit, she agreed that we would both sign up to study Transcendental Meditation as soon as I was released from the unit.

Within days of being discharged, my wife and I attended the first of 4 sessions with our TM teacher in Central London. And despite my heavy daily intake of Lithium, Diazepam and Mirtazapine (to keep my mood stable) I quickly began to feel the positive effects of my new meditation practice. Within the first week, I informed my doctor that the Lithium was having a detrimental effect on my meditation practice, and my dose was gradually reduced to zero, and I also stopped taking the Diazepam. 

At the time of writing, It has been around 5 weeks since I left  the mental health unit and took up Transcendental Meditation. And I know it's still early day's, but honestly, I cannot describe just how TM has impacted my life in a positive way. My wife and I have both committed to meditating twice daily for twenty minutes – morning and evening, and I can also see an incredible transformation in her. She looks younger, happier, more energetic and more able to cope with the stresses of life. Incredible after only a month of meditating. As for me, I still have some dark times. But then only a few weeks ago (at the time of writing) I was in a mental health unit being asked daily whether I had any plans to end my life! I think that all things considered, my personal transformation has been nothing short of miraculous. Now I cannot imagine not having Transcendental Meditation in my life. On a good day, I now feel as though I can achieve absolutely anything, and on a bad day, I don't sink quite as low as I once did. If I continue to practice TM, I have little doubt that my future will be a good deal happier and free from depression than my past. 

Ever since my autism diagnosis in 2008, I've wondered about how much better my life would had been if I'd known about my autism when I was a lot younger. Likewise, I now ponder how utterly amazing my life could have been if only I'd signed up for Transcendental Meditation when I was a teenager. Forty years of bliss, confidence, and excellent mental health would, at least in my opinion, qualify as a successful, abundant life.

Steve Slavin

Author of: Looking for Normal (A Memoir about Autism) 

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Comments

  2. Steve, the dog has to get her teeth cleaned so she does not choke on her food. How can I put this into writing? Just because a person makes a mistake in one area of life choice does not mean that the person is without hope and/or a lower type of life. you tube walking on sunshine … Steve, I should not put myself down since …. how boring … My dog’s Dad knew exactly what the Vet was talking about. Then, he came home and explained the visit to the “uncle” of the dog. That special brain has never known drugs. Why deal with side effects? live with damage? regrets like if only I never took drugs then my brain would feel better and function? … who knows the possibilities? … I think this Vet knew she was talking to someone just like herself … smart and can make the world spin smoothly. He could have been a Vet and beyond if only he did not marry me at such a young age …. 32 years ago. He is not a lowlife or a bad person … believe me. I am not so perfectly whatever and the Priest will expand on that … thank you …. I can’t begin to have the special brain that my Husband lives with and works with and helps make this world to be a great place. This can’t get written properly. Steve, is it clear? Appreciated, trusted, admired all belong to my Husband who earns this reputation. Another person, the eye glass seller, she knew that my Husband was nice and I don’t think she liked me at all. My Husband is the great one. Police are just doing their job protecting kids. Did you know that when they make the videos they could warn people with writing – the technology is alive and well to identify any person who copies the video? To download a video is just to watch it. And, I got my story inaccurately mixed up. We are allowed at playgrounds but we don’t go since no little kids here. I don’t have a special brain … power …. like my Husband and my brain has known drugs. This is not written perfectly. Do you know what I mean?

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  4. you tube Senegal “A man with a mouth is never lost.” Luckily, today, Steve, my very scary electric lawnmower did not hurt the babies hidden in the earth where the long grass is by the fence in the backyard. I understand and accept who is friends with each other is this neighbourhood. My very immediate neighbours and I don’t have a greeting or little stories ready to spill when we happen to run into each other. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? Familiarity breeds contempt? Don’t worry about me trying to talk to your children, no matter what their age, in my very immediate neighbourhood. I don’t expect children to know me or that I would know them. I think we don’t really know or like each other and that’s life in a village …. nothing else to do but ??? ignore each other or use an unfriendly tone of voice …. I am still best friends with the Priest but I do not go to his house. No trust here. Change is as good as a vacation.

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  5. Hi Steve: It was my New Year’s Resolution to not get my hair cut this year. Larry stated that the winter was not too bad. What that meant to me was that he was not too lonely. He is sos nice and customers appreciate his hair cut work and that he is oso nice to be around. He just does not give the customer a hard time. $12. for the effort. if, Steve, people generally do not have common sense if they have autism … who said that? Temple? … well, I was on my way to Ethel’s house years back and it was her 60th and I bought flowers at Mac’s with a sticker that wanted $8.99? … I guess the flowers were half dead. Maybe I should have left the flowers behind. She … if I remember … wondered if I paid that much for them and she sounded sad … and then there was my neighbour two door down … here … and I bought her a daffodil plant and I guess it was another $10. bill and I guess it was already dead but you could reuse the bulbs? … anyway, she was angry … since there is no question about it that I have no common sense and people with my high/low functioning autism should stay away from others … Steve … I think I have really annoyed you by now and so oso sos sorry since Steve is the most attentive listener and kind to his customers that he works with at the Society etc. … and if the dog likes you just a little it says something about you … my dog fell over while trying to eat her food so my Husband checked her mouth. She has an appointment with the vet. I thought she was a mouse since she likes cheese so much and it may have contributed to her teeth condition. I am the dog’s last choice around here. Passionate/emotional people are the ones who might feel like murdering …. one type of murder, anyway. Calm, even tempered people may not feel like killing even a mosquito. So possessive about my daughter … vanished with time … will heal. Gone .. just a nice dream/thought/something I imagined? Betrayed …. so betrayed and just not liked by the neighbour in my old neighbourhood. It … Steve …. just opens a can of worms to go over there. Do I have Steve’s permission to not show up at Christmas and then the following June? I obviously really appreciate Steve since I can feel guilt … how can I abandon him … since he helped me with awareness … for sure but/and Steve it is easier to spill the beans than to absorb any information/beans. My neighbour had too much power over me … could I protect him? No. People with high functioning autism/aspergers are known to spill the money and be very generous …. if, Steve, we try to buy friends and/or we can’t love without sharing … is what they say? … keep your money since if we are paying someone to be a friend then I am just paying someone to be mean to me. … judge on …. village…and remember what Mark Wolters stated …. who is going to say No to money …. you tube Professor Wolters …..

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  6. Today is Andrew’s 72nd Birthday and he is a former neighbour across the village. The construction had me take a detour to his home but I arrived with a happy face balloon from the dollar store. I should ask when they inflate the item. Is it once a week? Just on a certain day or could it be any time? Even if we do not feel like smiling, I read we will feel better automatically. This neighbour told me I never smile. Steve, do you think it has to do with autism that we can not cross the bridge over to the other person and know/understand what is going on with them most times. Tuned in at high frequency and the relationship is not lonely and is probably how neurotypical relationships happen. As far as I understand, the Priest hid his assessments of me. I could not read that he did not have approval of me. I can not help but associate religion with punishment. That is a very unpopular thing to say but I experienced that with the Priest. I moved away in 05 and time goes and losses build and the truth is good to admit. Maybe he should defend himself and type here and state his case. It might seem true for him and in his experience. As far as I know, people do not like my response to them and I am not able to read and or be tuned in at a high frequency what is going on in their brain. There is no bridge and no relationship with me. Steve, you may not agree with me and even know there is somewhat of a bridge in your life … positive. Maybe we need more help and we could be out of luck so enjoy ….

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  8. Hi Steve: His name and my name start with the same letter of the alphabet. He no longer tries to meet up with me. He definitely keeps his hands to himself. I no longer hear his voice. What kind of a disability could he have since he is so outgoing? Does having “no papers” qualify for disability? So social. He even gave me a hug once on the highway. Well, that’s over. I thought I was nice/polite to him. How do other people experience you? Maybe he found people who were better at listening/understanding him. He had a lot to say and was very expressive. I will be okay, Steve, but he was one of the few people in this village who was willing to talk to me extensively. He was half my age almost. Copied: A focused mind is one of the most powerful forces in the universe. How about another Fortune? SecondFortune.com Lucky Numbers 55,39,7,17,5,49

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  9. The Canadian Mental Health Association will help you with court support. I just noticed this help too late but the article is titled, “CMHA OFFERS HELP FOR BAD DAYS by Aleta Armstrong …. PRACTICEKIDS.CA ……….K2Milling.com …..

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  10. When I was a teenager, my parents paid about $500. for me to see a vivacious psychologist. She was the one who pointed out to me (if I remember correctly) that I felt safe yelling at my Mom and very uncomfortable and just did not yell at my Dad. I have awareness now but not back then. Some families learn to yell. My Mom and her Dad were both with a neurological challenge. She was a Daddy’s little girl. She did not yell at me. She did not come from a family that taught her to yell. My outgoing and neurotypical Dad came from a family that expressed themselves in a louder way. Years back (2) I was not as nice as I should have been on my Doctor’s answering machine when I expressed concern (yelling) that she had my child good and drugged quickly. I was concerned. The most important thing that I actually need to say is that just because someone does not express themselves in a calm way (because they are not calm) does not mean they are not nice. I grew up thinking my Dad did not like me. And according to my sister, he did not. I don’t even care what happened to me. Victory. My Dad and my Sister were a total success together. What could have happened during her growing up years? Today she helps society by being a teacher. Useful and needed. I just cared that my son was so drugged. I am very sorry I yelled on her answering machine. It was a children’s aid worker’s answering machine that I think I was not so nice on but she agreed she took babies from families and she also took us to court. I had no idea what I was signing. That’s over and I don’t remember it all perfectly. I am heading towards 60. I don’t yell. I don’t yell at my gender. If anything, I remain silent since I still do not seem to have found my voice. Now I have to go back to the grocery store because she charged me twice. Please help me take my dog for medical care if your big dog attacks her. I have had my driver’s licence for decades and do not drive. I will just add that my Dad cared very much and that was why he expressed himself in a loud way. I had a perception problem. I love you too, world.

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  11. Steve, my nerves are just shot. Your article stated that you had time to think. I probably have too much time to think. It is like …. be able to do the job or stay home. Twice my heart increased in beat …. just because the dog next door was in their driveway and not on a leash (so sorry) …. I just have dreams where my dog is being biten on the neck. I just can’t do dog. (so sorry to bore) … I keep thinking my son is going to have a heart attack. I guess I am the one to have heart failure. He was just checking his route in his vehicle. Sorry, Steve, to be so crazy. I honestly think my husband is very nice looking. I do not want him to ever go elsewhere but I was wondering if he actually wished he was elsewhere today. I try to eat calm food so that I talk to him in a nice tone of voice. As you can imagine, I did not marry an intimidating male personality. There can only be a problem if you think there is or you invent one. He is so sos oso quiet that it has been hard to be married to him for that reason alone. He is a natural with animals and so the receiver of his voice, eye, and etc. is the animal in the house. The dog gets all the attention. Through no fault of his own, he is very good with our son. Maybe our son would not have gone to university with my parenting skill? Sometimes I think that my daughter and I do not know how to treat the male population including my husband correctly and we should warn them and steer clear. I am just nervous and do not think and get ourselves into a ton of trouble. I want my husband and I do not want to be without him. It is hard being married to an extremely quiet person. I still want him and I am fine with no one thinking I have the brain that they would want to be with forever or as long as they could stand being around me.

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  12. If someone is being saucy or negative in some way toward us, then we can always tell ourselves in our brain that they are NOT BETTER … but maybe they just are not feeling so well and accidentally provided an negative look. The only good thing about me having a guy Doc is that I won’t yell at him since … intimidated by men. Deja vu upbringing. The not so good thing about having a guy Doc is suspicion and gossip. If I had a girl Doc I don’t think anything would spread. Steve, I like my in-laws. I think my husband has to be the way he is with me so he can cope. He is very calm and he ignores me. It works. I am very extremely thankful for our two kids. And it was my brain that caused all the disruptions and roadblocks to happiness etc. Steve, when I listen to a talker on you tube, I don’t process most of it. I definitely wish I knew e-mail since maybe I am too elementary for readers. So, let’s make this worth your while …. Some vitamins such as A. D, E and K dissolve in fat and are found in animal fats and vegetable oils. They may be stored in the body for months. Some vitamins such as C and Bs dissolve in water and are found in green leaves, fruits and cereal grains. They are used daily. Vitamins D and K are the only ones made in the body. Vitamin D is essential for bone growth in children. – directly from the book.

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  13. Hi Steve: Years back, Steve,I bought a jar of bee pollen at the health food store. Taking one teaspoon a day is supposed to help with allergies. $11.99. Then, somehow, I heard there is arsenic in bee pollen so I threw it out. Since then I have learned that there is a little arsenic in a lot of food items but mostly in water and rice. Steve, directly from the book, Lack of vitamin A ruins night vision, because it is needed for the working of the retina. Steve, I don’t buy shortening and it is usually just margarine like Becel so I really just baked green onion biscuits yesterday. I put the entire bunch of green onions into it. Then it was just 2 cups flour ……….3 teaspoons baking powder……….2 teaspoons sugar ……….1/2 teaspoon cream of tartar ………. ten shakes or twists of salt ………. 1/2 cup margarine ……….2/3 cup milk …Stir dry ingredients together. Blend margarine into dry ingredients. Add milk. Put mixture into 1/4 cup and put onto cookie sheet. Makes 12. Bake at 450 degrees. It is just that Mark Wolters is looking like he is giving positive mirrors when he does his travel or marketing videos but I know he can not see me. He just has happiness from the inside out and maybe he enjoys talking and is appreciated by the listeners. Step one with meditation, Steve …. focus on breathing? Thank you for putting up with me Steve.

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    • Steve, if I think I made someone really unhappy or that they would like me to stay away from them then I definitely agree since do I want to drive someone to drink? ….

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  14. Hi Steve: Sour Cream Biscuits: 2 cups all-purpose flour ……….3 teaspoons baking powder……….2 teaspoons sugar……….1/2 teaspoon cream of tartar……….1/4 teaspoon salt……….1/2 cup shortening……….1 cup dairy sour cream……….2 tablespoons milk. Stir together dry ingredients. Cut in shortening until mixture resembles coarse crumbs. Add liquid ingredients. Put mixture in 1/4 cup measuring and put on ungreased cookie sheet. Makes 12. Bake in a 450 degrees oven for 14 minutes.

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  15. Steve, do I really deserve to be on your website when my spouse is paying my bills and driving me around? All I have done so far today is a load of laundry and walked the dog 3 times. I keep up with the dishes but, Steve, extreme quiet here and the the demand is low. Steve, first I want to let you know that I think your Wife is focused on you. Concerned listener and seems to know what is happening with you. If …. omg … Steve, if we are not able? to focus on our spouse, children, pet, neighbours to the left and right of us … then … maybe they are going to find someone else to give them attention … maybe people will search for attention until they find that positive mirror? Acceptance is a universal condition? Is there subtle something going on in our society or in certain countries where we are inattentive to others? Competition for our attention? Anyway, I am really happy for you and your family that strong/loyal is felt by all members. We can always blame ourselves and/or not have the best awareness of our upbringing. I am not accusing others … how could I know what they are thinking/motive … looking for attention. Did my daughter get someone else to take over because I was too permissive and/or not giving her enough attention. I will never know since she ignores me. Sorry, Steve. I could have my son change his password since I am not very calm. Steve, I used to think that it is polite to ignore others. Meanwhile, I am thankful if someone talks to me. If we tell ourselves that we are good, then, maybe we will behave better. Anyway, I know that neighbour next to me is very loyal to his wife. I do not know her husband like she knows him. We can just keep ignoring each other since there is peace. Should I say that I would feel very reassured by his behaviour.

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  16. Steve, it is not comfortable feeling down for me. It is very stressful and hard on your thyroid … possibly for others also. Happy for you that you are so good at writing we Webbers are not surprised you also wrote an entire book. We are not laughing at you … and feel concerned and understanding since we can experience the same …. you seem to have a sense of humour and enjoy reading your writing. “And then I started thinking about the trains…” imaginative train of thoughts, Steve? I once bought tincture of ??? can’t remember what it was for but $15. later and then I found out all tinctures have alcohol in it so I never used it and it expired. SAMe pills I had bought a couple of years ago at the health food store for $60. some dollars and I was able to take them. I heard on the health news last evening that stimulant drugs can cause fatal stroke … google to check. Remember that Prozac metabolizes slowly in the body so you need less – I saw that in a Temple Grandin book at Chapters years back … they did not tell me that at the mental health center …. Maybe they did not know? It can seem like we are not in safe hands and watch out for yourself. I am glad you and your wife are feeling a lot better with the skill of transcendental meditation, Vedic style, by Maharishi Mahesh Yogi …. stepping forward … “you knew you could achieve but what you did achieve” … Steve, since you knew and did achieve … proof you have confidence.

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  17. Steve, I feel powerless and it is not a nice feeling to live with every day. Would it add up that the more we do, the more power we can feel? If others do things for us, like the taxes, fear could settle in our body instead of knowing just what to do and how to do it … power. You, remember, are useful and needed with somewhere to go that is important and something to do … that helps others be independent. Happiness. You don’t need me but I need you … successful. So accomplished …. but you are thinking about more you would have liked to …. experience. Do people in a village want to live in the city and vise versa? You could have driven to where you needed to go … far and wide …. so you just love nature and want …. trees and birds and not as much city noise.

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